Everyone’s different in their need for belonging and social connection. Some people can be surrounded by family, friends and partners and still feel lonely. Others are happy with a single intimate (the rest is icing on the cake). But few of us enjoy total social isolation.
Let’s not confuse loneliness and the feeling of shame about being alone. Loneliness is the ache and yearning for companionship. Shame is about what other people might think about one. For many of us, having few friends or being alone is shameful. I’m not going to judge shame, though. We’re human and humans care about what others think of them.
These thoughts were inspired by “Acts of kindness prevent a downward spiral from solitude to loneliness” in The Economist. The title just about says it all. My only quibble with the article’s advice was its rather limited idea of kindness, e.g., running errands for an elderly neighbor, volunteering at a nonprofit or just donating money to a good cause. These behaviors are all commendable but they represent a rather narrow range of action, that of “good deeds”.
I’m thinking that whenever we feel we’re contributing to another’s well-being or happiness, we feel less lonely. Like if we’re with a friend and that friend is obviously enjoying our company. Or when we help a co-worker solve a vexing problem. In these situations, the pleasures of getting and giving are intermingled, e.g., being liked, appreciated, admired, or respected plus the satisfaction of benefiting someone else.
In addition to good deeds, here are a few other tips for alleviating loneliness. These suggestions are specifically tailored to men, who are less likely to volunteer or be unpaid caregivers than women. All are male-bonding activities that entail giving in some way, even if that’s not the main intent. Without further ado:
Grabbing a beer after work
Grilling
Fishing
Shooting some hoops
Watching the game
Working out
Fixing something
Unfortunately, the current lockdown is not exactly conducive to these kinds of social activities. But the lockdown will be easing soon. In the meantime, check out The Guardian’s “25 best video games to help you socialise while self-isolating” or look into Zoom for group chats. For those with limited social circles, there’s also Meetup, which has switched to mostly online group activities that appeal to a wide range of interests. Meetup offerings include chess and board games, book clubs, political discussions, tech enthusiast get-togethers, and even virtual happy hours. Check it out.